Panic

Due to absolutely horrible driving conditions, my best friend and I were unable to attend the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting this year. I panicked. All of those emotions and thoughts I try to shove down through the year get released on that day. All of the asking why and wanting to scream in anger comes to the surface. The day is raw. The pain feels fresh. However, as I said in the previous post, the Candle Lighting is one of the most comforting experiences I’ve had since my son’s death, and I needed that release.

My best friend and I did light a candle (or rather, turned on a battery-powered candle) in his living room at 7:00 PM last night, but it didn’t feel like enough. I missed the sense of community and the sharing of our children. None of us actually knew each other’s children before their deaths, so this is our time to share our children with people who, though they’ll never meet them, love them just as we do.

For those of you who did get to attend a Candle Lighting Ceremony, I hope you found it peaceful and comforting, as well. It’s our start to a holiday season that can be excruciating, but it’s also a reminder that we are not alone.

2010 Worldwide Candle Lighting

This year’s Worldwide Candle Lighting, sponsored by The Compassionate Friends is Sunday, Dec. 12. This event is a candle light memorial for children who have died. It is so beautiful, and even though it’s also very painful, this ceremony makes the holidays so much easier for me. Everything turns toward family and celebrations during the holidays, and it’s good to have one day to devote completely to my son. Everyone at that ceremony understands exactly why the holidays are never whole and not quite as happy any longer.

Ceremonies are held all over the world, sometimes in large groups and sometimes within one family. The ceremony I attend is held by a local chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA in conjunction with Compassionate Friends. Our ceremony includes music and poetry readings, as well as a talk by a grief counselor or someone in a similar role. We have a table set up where our children’s photos or other mementos are displayed proudly next to their candles. There’s also a slideshow of our children and an angel tree where we hang ornaments with our children’s names on them. It’s like a holiday spent with our children who are gone.

There is so much pain in this loss, but at the Candle Lighting, I feel like I’m wrapped in a blanket of comfort. I highly recommend this ceremony to anyone who has lost a child or who has been affected by the loss of a child.

Visit The Compassionate Friends page about the Candle Lighting to find an event near you. May your holidays bring you peace and love.

TCF Walk to Remember

The Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember is held each year at the TCF national conference.  Many, many bereaved families carry the names of their children through this beautiful walk, and because TCF is such a loving foundation, people who cannot attend the conference can submit their child’s name to be carried in the Walk by a volunteer.  The Walk to Remember website is now open– you can find information about the Walk, how to participate in person, and how to form virtual teams.  Click here to visit that site.  The address is http://tcfwalktoremember.org

The Compassionate Friends is an amazing organization.  If you can help, or if you or someone you know simply need support in your grief, visit the TCF website, as well as the Walk website.  I can’t begin to describe how helpful that group has been to me.

Just a Reminder

Today (Dec. 13) is The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.  My best friend and I will be attending a formal service held by a chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA in conjunction with TCF.  However, there will be private ceremonies all over, ranging from a few close family and friends to one person lighting a candle at home.  7:00 PM in each time zone is the designated time to light a candle.  The candles burn for one hour, so that as each region’s candles burn out, another region’s candles are lit.

Chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve either lost a child or are helping bereaved families through their loss.  Even if you don’t have personal experience with this loss, please light a candle at 7:00 PM in your time zone to honor the memory of children who have died.  Our children’s memories, with our help, will light up the globe.

Thanks to The Compassionate Friends for hosting such a beautiful vigil and peace to all bereaved families on this day.  Together, we get through this, even if it’s only second by second sometimes.  Our children are not forgotten.

The Compassionate Friends

Candles

I wrote this poem a few days before last year’s TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting and wanted to share it here.

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Candles

A candle lit

For a flame extinguished

Gone so soon

Drifting like smoke on the wind

Dancing through our minds and memories

Glowing in our souls

~~~~

Warmth remembered

By aching arms

Always reaching for what they cannot hold

Crying out in the dark of night

Searching for those who’ve gone

~~~~

A candle lit

For a flame extinguished

A light that will never fade away

TCF Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting

The Compassionate Friends sponsors a candle lighting event on the 2nd Sunday of every December.  It is such a beautiful and moving ceremony.  From large gatherings to private family observances, ceremonies are held worldwide.  We honor our children on this night, allowing ourselves to focus, even if only for a day, on our children who have died.

This year’s Candle Lighting will be held on Sun. 13 Dec.  I encourage everyone to participate in any way you can. For more information on the Candle Lighting Ceremony, go to this page.

To find a scheduled ceremony in your area, visit this site: TCF 2009 Worldwide Candle Lighting Services.

TCF National Conference

This weekend, The Compassionate Friends will host their 32nd National Conference.  While I can’t traverse the many miles between here and Oregon, the memory of my son will be attending in the form of his name, carried through the Walk to Remember by one of the many volunteers who will hold the names of our children throughout the walk.  I don’t know if any of you will ever see this post, but I’d like to thank many times over the person who carries my son’s name.  My heart will always be heavy with the loss of my son, but it’s such a comfort to know he’ll be a part of such an amazing event.

I can’t say enough good things about TCF.  It’s a safe haven in what has to be the worst experience anyone could ever face.  Safe travels to everyone attending the conference.  May it be a healing, peaceful experience for all of you.

TCF Video Link

I haven’t felt like writing lately.  For whatever reason, I’ve been having a very difficult time with my loss lately, and writing here has seemed a bit pointless.  I’m sure things will sort out, but for now, I’m finding it difficult to see beyond my grief.

I did, however, want to share the link to TCF’s YouTube video about the Worldwide Candle Lighting.  I can’t stress enough how comforting that ceremony really is.  It’s a bit of time during the holiday season to remember our children and share the good and the bad with others who are facing the same loss.  It was terrifying for me to even *consider* going to last year’s ceremony.  I didn’t want to focus on Andy’s death that closely.  Now I’m so glad I did attend and so grateful to TCF for providing such an amazing resource.

You can watch the video here.

Peace to all of us.

Asking Why

I don’t know why I’m writing this, except maybe I need someone out there to understand this raw, paralyzing pain I’m feeling right now.  It’s too much.  I’m tired of feeling like this, tired of the pain, anger, and fear that still fill way too many of my days.  It’s exhausting, and I am tired.  I want to make myself very small and sink away into nothingness for a bit, just a few minutes to escape this pain.  I know those of you who read this blog can relate to every word I’ve written.

More often than not, I’m functional in my daily life.  Then there are days like this when I wonder if I have the mental and physical strength to withstand this loss.  It’s wrong.  It’s out of order and too unbelievably horrendous to have happened.  But, it did happen.  How do we, as bereaved parents, get through this long term?  I really feel like my grief is winning the battle *and* the war right now.  I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and crying until I run out of tears, but instead I’m recording all of this in a blog I wish I’d never had a reason to write.

For those of you who have been on this path longer than I have (2 and 1/2 yrs) please let me know how you made it through the earlier times.  I just can’t imagine feeling like this forever.  I know it will never go away, but right now all I’m looking for is reassurance that it stops feeling like you’re being ripped apart at the center.  I thought I’d come to that point, but I’ve slid right back down.

The only thing that helps right now is reading through the things I brought back from last year’s TCF Candle Lighting and remembering that feeling of love and understanding we all shared that night.  Those candles represent so much.  Thanks to TCF and Bereaved Parents of the USA for providing such a peaceful event in such a difficult time.

Peace and comfort to all of us.

 

Bereaved Fathers

If you have any resources for bereaved fathers, please contact me with the information.  I’m finding it quite difficult to dig up information specifically targeting that group, and since my son’s father died in the accident with him, I have no personal experience other than the conversations I’ve shared with bereaved fathers through TCF.

Alan Pedersen’s site EverAshley Music is an excellent resource for bereaved parents in general.  He writes about his experience in losing his beautiful daughter, and his music is so perfect for many of us.  His song ‘Tonight I Hold This Candle’ sums up quite eloquently the feelings of both hope and pain that I felt at last year’s TCF Candle Lighting Ceremony.  It was played while we lit the candles, and it made the task a bit easier some how.

Alan, if you find your way to this blog, thanks so much for your work.  You honor your daughter in such a beautiful way.  Thank you for sharing her with us.