Searching for resources to get me through the hell that is Mother’s Day, I stumbled upon the site Grieving Parent. This site is, as odd as it sounds, a breath of fresh air to me. Joe’s writings about his son and his grief are straightforward with an undertone of sarcasm, and they are spot on, at least for my experience as a grieving mother. I highly recommend checking out this site.
My deepest sympathies for your loss, Joe, and my deepest appreciation for sharing your experience.
Mother’s Day, that is. It’s hard to take this pain sometimes, and Mother’s Day is hell. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a row of rotating blades. The bond of mother and child is special and certainly does deserve celebration. It’s just so difficult for those of us who are missing our children. The day is filled with anything else *but* peace.
For me, Mother’s Day is a time of reflection. I think back on Andy’s little life and remember the defining moments. I remember the little moments, too. I try to immerse myself in who he was, hoping a tiny bit of that will come through in me. My memories of him are double-edged on days like Mother’s Day. They bring me comfort, because they surround me with him. They bring pain and anger, too, because they remind me that my reason for celebrating Mother’s Day is gone. Like most bereaved mothers who lost their only child, I worry that my role as mother ended when my son died. I know I’m still Andy’s mother and always will be, but the outside world doesn’t see a child at my side. I feel like my role is diminished, shoved aside sometimes even by those who are important in my life.
But I know I’ll get through another Mother’s Day. And I hope I know Andy is watching me. I’ll send all of my love to him as always and ache to hold him, as always. The role of mother is sacred. I’ll carry it, and my son, with me for the rest of my life.
Peace and strength to all mothers who are facing this day without their children. May you be surrounded by your love for your child and the memories of the time they got to share with you. Please know you are not alone on this dark and difficult road. So many of us are traveling alongside you, even if we’ve never met.
In hiding, apparently. I can’t handle grief right now, this close to Mother’s Day and the anniversary of my mother’s death. In fact, I can’t handle grief in general. It seems like every other second I’m attempting to stop tears. Children and families seem to be everywhere. So…I’m ignoring things and this blog hasn’t been updated in over two weeks. I’ll resurface eventually. I’m just too tired to deal with grief for a while.
This morning I turned on the television to ‘The Price Is Right.’ It’s one of those things I’ve made into a routine since my life turned upside down. I’ve had a great deal of trouble finding a full-time job, so I’ve created structure where I can. This morning, the contestants are playing in pairs, mother and child. It’s everywhere, and so is the pain.
My loss feels raw these days. Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by reminders that my son is dead. Craft stores have beautiful floral displays for mothers, dress shops are having Mother’s Day sales, and television shows are focusing on that one-of-a-kind relationship. Motherhood is everywhere, but my child is not here. I have no eloquent words, and no sage advice to offer. All I can say is I wish for comfort and strength for all of us grieving mothers this weekend.
Mother’s Day has been in the back of my mind for quite some time now. Lately, though, it’s crept to the front. Like many other bereaved parents, I lost my only child. The day is empty and painful. It’s a very difficult day for us as bereaved parents and something those supporting us struggle with as well. I found this list while browsing about for Mother’s Day resources and wanted to share it here. For the original page, click this link.
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What Grieving Mothers Want for Mother’s Day
©2007 The Comfort Company. All Rights Reserved.
Has this ever happened to you? Someone you care about–a family member, a friend or an acquaintance–has lost a child and you don’t know what to say or do to comfort their grief. As Mother’s Day approaches, even though this person is heavy on your heart, your fear and discomfort drives you into silence and you end up saying and doing nothing at all.
The Comfort Company, an online retailer of unique sympathy gifts, recently conducted a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, “What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother’s Day?” Over 80 percent of the nearly 100 respondents answered, “Recognize that I am a mother” to the question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted her loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother’s Day to be their most difficult holiday.
In response to the heartfelt answers given by the survey participants, www.thecomfortcompany.net has issued a list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother’s Day:
1. Recognize that they are a mother: Offer a hug and a “Happy Mother’s Day.” Send a simple Mother’s Day card to let them know you remember that they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.
2. Acknowledge that they have had a loss: Express the message, “I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you today.” Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about her child.
3. Use their child’s name in conversation: Saying the name of a child who has died is like music to a grieving mother’s ears. One mother suggested, “Say his name and ask me my fondest memory of him from past Mother’s Days”.
4. Plant a living memorial: This is a wonderful day to plant a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child. This is something that will live on as a beautiful reminder in the years to come.
5. Visit the gravesite: Many mothers felt that it was “extremely thoughtful” when others visited their child’s gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.
6. Light a candle: Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother’s Day.
7. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the precious gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and your most lovely moments with them.”
8. Send a gift of remembrance: Many mothers suggested appropriate gifts of remembrance that would bring them comfort. These items included: an angel statue, a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a memorial candle, a picture frame, a library book donation, an ornament, anything personalized with the child’s name or a date, books on grief, a garden stone or a toy donation in the child’s name.
9. Don’t try to minimize their loss: Avoid using any cliches that attempt to explain the death of a child. (“God needed another angel.”) Second, don’t try to find anything positive about the loss (“You still have two healthy children” or “She’s in a better place”).
10. Encourage Self-Care: Self-care is an important aspect of the “healing the mind and spirit effort” according to several mothers. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off of her grief for an hour or two.
©2007 The Comfort Company. All Rights Reserved.
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