2010 Worldwide Candle Lighting

This year’s Worldwide Candle Lighting, sponsored by The Compassionate Friends is Sunday, Dec. 12. This event is a candle light memorial for children who have died. It is so beautiful, and even though it’s also very painful, this ceremony makes the holidays so much easier for me. Everything turns toward family and celebrations during the holidays, and it’s good to have one day to devote completely to my son. Everyone at that ceremony understands exactly why the holidays are never whole and not quite as happy any longer.

Ceremonies are held all over the world, sometimes in large groups and sometimes within one family. The ceremony I attend is held by a local chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA in conjunction with Compassionate Friends. Our ceremony includes music and poetry readings, as well as a talk by a grief counselor or someone in a similar role. We have a table set up where our children’s photos or other mementos are displayed proudly next to their candles. There’s also a slideshow of our children and an angel tree where we hang ornaments with our children’s names on them. It’s like a holiday spent with our children who are gone.

There is so much pain in this loss, but at the Candle Lighting, I feel like I’m wrapped in a blanket of comfort. I highly recommend this ceremony to anyone who has lost a child or who has been affected by the loss of a child.

Visit The Compassionate Friends page about the Candle Lighting to find an event near you. May your holidays bring you peace and love.

Just a Reminder

Today (Dec. 13) is The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.  My best friend and I will be attending a formal service held by a chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA in conjunction with TCF.  However, there will be private ceremonies all over, ranging from a few close family and friends to one person lighting a candle at home.  7:00 PM in each time zone is the designated time to light a candle.  The candles burn for one hour, so that as each region’s candles burn out, another region’s candles are lit.

Chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve either lost a child or are helping bereaved families through their loss.  Even if you don’t have personal experience with this loss, please light a candle at 7:00 PM in your time zone to honor the memory of children who have died.  Our children’s memories, with our help, will light up the globe.

Thanks to The Compassionate Friends for hosting such a beautiful vigil and peace to all bereaved families on this day.  Together, we get through this, even if it’s only second by second sometimes.  Our children are not forgotten.

The Compassionate Friends

Asking Why

I don’t know why I’m writing this, except maybe I need someone out there to understand this raw, paralyzing pain I’m feeling right now.  It’s too much.  I’m tired of feeling like this, tired of the pain, anger, and fear that still fill way too many of my days.  It’s exhausting, and I am tired.  I want to make myself very small and sink away into nothingness for a bit, just a few minutes to escape this pain.  I know those of you who read this blog can relate to every word I’ve written.

More often than not, I’m functional in my daily life.  Then there are days like this when I wonder if I have the mental and physical strength to withstand this loss.  It’s wrong.  It’s out of order and too unbelievably horrendous to have happened.  But, it did happen.  How do we, as bereaved parents, get through this long term?  I really feel like my grief is winning the battle *and* the war right now.  I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and crying until I run out of tears, but instead I’m recording all of this in a blog I wish I’d never had a reason to write.

For those of you who have been on this path longer than I have (2 and 1/2 yrs) please let me know how you made it through the earlier times.  I just can’t imagine feeling like this forever.  I know it will never go away, but right now all I’m looking for is reassurance that it stops feeling like you’re being ripped apart at the center.  I thought I’d come to that point, but I’ve slid right back down.

The only thing that helps right now is reading through the things I brought back from last year’s TCF Candle Lighting and remembering that feeling of love and understanding we all shared that night.  Those candles represent so much.  Thanks to TCF and Bereaved Parents of the USA for providing such a peaceful event in such a difficult time.

Peace and comfort to all of us.

 

Unexpected Reminders

A friend of mine recently had a beautiful baby boy.  She and her husband had been trying for quite some time, and I am truly happy for them.  I just can’t spend a great deal of time with them.  At first I felt horrible about that– who am I to put my own conflicting emotions before the happiness of a friend?  A quick call to someone I met through Bereaved Parents of the USA made me feel better, though.  She told me that spending time with whole families was very hard, sometimes, for parents who have lost children.

It’s the unexpected reminders that bring me to my knees.

I frequently have the pleasure of spending weekends out with my best friend.  Last night at dinner, a young boy and his mother were leaving the restaurant as we were walking in.  The mother rolled her eyes in mock frustration (she was smiling the whole time) as she waited for her son to stop looking at whatever it was that had caught his attention and walk outside.  I felt like I was being ripped apart.   My hands got all sweaty and shaky, and for a minute, everything around me started spinning.  That severe anxiety soon passed, but I felt a bit shaken for the rest of the evening.  Being caught off guard like that really gets to me.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the memories that will never happen.